The Life Of Dearka Elsman
by tazymay
Summary: This is a story about how Dearka ended up in the war and his time during it. Also it tells about what happened as Kira and the others returned to the ship, as you know Dearka was standing beside Miriallia at the end. At little bit of DxM at the end.


_Listen to my story…this maybe our last chance…_

_I remember waking up that day. It was January 31__st __C.E. 70. The year was just starting. I was 15 soon to be 16, at that age there was a whole lot of living to do. However for me that wasn't exactly what I thought as I changed the bandages on my wrists. They were covered in fresh cuts from the night before._

_I lived alone. My mother died two years before. She…we were in a car accident together, she died I lived. My father hated me after that, guess he wished it was the other way around. He really loved mom a lot. He was never the same after. I guess I was never the same either. Drugs, alcohol, cigarettes they all became my greatest weakness. The quacks believed that it was because I wasn't dealing with my mother's death very well. I didn't really know what to think._

_My father kicked me out when I was 14. Apparently have a drug addicted son living in your house wasn't exactly the best for your political career. I was alone. I guess you could even say I was a little bit scared. I thought that I could fill the void in my life with girls but…even they couldn't help._

_On February 11__th__ the war was declared against the naturals. It was called the war of humanity however on February 14__th__ the name was changed to the bloody valentine war. It was changed because on that day Junius 7 one of the main agricultural PLANTs was destroyed in a nuclear assault from the EA._

_There was a surge in ZAFT enlisters that following week. Among them was a 13 year old pianist __Nicol__ Amalfi, a 14 year old mechanics wise kid Athrun Zala and a 15 year old hot head Yzak Joule. They were all guys I had went to finishing school with, that is until I dropped out when my mom died._

_I chose to be one of those guys too, to be a soldier. I can remember walking up to my father's front door, the door that use to be mine too, knocking a telling him that I was joining ZAFT. He…laughed in my face. He didn't believe that I could amount to anything. I was a pothead to him and nothing more. That just pissed me off._

_Because of his reaction I cast aside the drugs, the cigarettes and even the alcohol and join the military. I needed to prove to that bastard I was more, much more then he believed I was. _

_We graduated September 9__th__ C.E. 70. I think the day I finished at the academy he almost shit himself. He expected me to drop out or get kicked out but instead I graduated top in my class. I actually finished as one of the top in the history of ZAFT. I was a real soldier._

_The other top soldiers were Nicol, Athrun, Yzak and another guy whom had gone to my finishing school a 15 year old guy Rusty Mechanize. Athrun finished top the Yzak and I tied for second then Rusty and Nicol respectively. Athrun and Yzak specialized in mobile suit piloting, Nicol specialized in strategizing. Rusty and I specialized as snipers. We could hit a target without even looking, we were that good._

_Being the top in ZAFT, elites, we became part of the Rau Le Creuset team. It was the goal of every ZAFT soldier to be part of that team. It was the only ship to take direct orders from the council all other teams we basically that ship's bitches or the got second hand orders from someone who talked to some who talked to someone who spoke with the council. But we made it. We were the top and we made it to the top ship, the __Vesalius. It was the latest model of ships, faster then any created yet._

_The first night there we found out who our roommates would be. The pair ups were Athrun and Nicol, Yzak and myself, and Rusty ended up with a normal ranking soldier named Miguel Aiman. They ended up being decent matches I guess. The five others want to celebrate but me…I just want to be alone for a while with my thoughts._

_I went into the bathroom that joins mine and Yzak's room. I placed a picture on top of the sink and just stared at it. It was a picture of my mother and father in a loving embrace with a huge smile on their faces. On my father's shoulder there I was, I was only 6 in that picture it was 7 years before my mom died but I was the best picture to describe how happy my life was once._

"I love you mother…I miss you…I'm sorry it should have been me…_" I whispered. I always said that every time I saw the happy look on my fathers face. He hadn't smiled since she died. I think the only time he laughed after that was in my face when I told him I was going to be a soldier. It was weird you know, anytime I would whisper those words, anytime I wished it to be me something would catch me eye. It was a razor. It was my roommates but the shinning blades we so inviting. I slit my wrists over and over again, the razor did seem to cut as deep as the things I usually used so I just kept cutting trying to draw the desired amount of blood, trying to punish myself just enough, trying to forget._

_I was feeling faint but I still kept sliding the blade across until…_

"_WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!!" I looked over to see my roommate and the other guys, apparently they decided I should come and join in on the celebrating. Yzak, being the hot headed guy with a bad temper yelled right away when he saw the blood the sink and I were covered in._

"Sorry I'll clean it up_" I told him as I turned on the water and began cleaning up the blood. Back then I didn't really realise what I had been doing was wrong, I didn't realise I was suicidal, but that day everyone else realised it._

_They pulled me into the bedroom and cleaned my cuts. Nicol had to leave the room, guess he couldn't stand the blood. Yzak and I considered him a coward after that. What person in their right mind joins the military if they can't stand the sight of blood, simple red liquid? Athrun just kept looking in my eyes, he told me later that I looked confused as to why they cared about what I had just done. Rusty did most of the cleaning of my injuries, being ZAFT soldiers we had to know a bit of first aid and that had been another part he had finished top in. Miguel sat behind me massaging my shoulders and whispered things in an attempt to let me know that I had a life worth living. Yzak just sat on his bed cursing and swearing like crazy under his breath. I heard him say 'why did I get the suicidal?'_

_One would think that having them there, having them comforting me, trying to tell me everything would be alright I would stop, but in the end I didn't. Every 4 or 5 days when the cuts were healed for the most part new ones would join them. I did a good job hiding them, what with the uniform having long sleeves. But I was eventually caught again when I neglected to clean up some of the blood that land on the floor. After that my 'friends' as the liked to call themselves began a 24 hour watch Dearka schedule among themselves I literally couldn't go to the bathroom without on of them there._

_Soon I finally did become friends with them on Christmas. To me I had become just another day but when I walked into my room that night there we balloons everywhere and those damn guys had party hats on streamers everywhere and they were singing Merry Christmas to me in an awfully ear bleeding way but I knew then that they cared for me more then my father did. I think that was the first time I had smiled since I lost my mom. I laughed too. We partied till morning. They knew that it was something I needed._

_Sadly knowing they were my friends, people who would love me not matter what I did, it wasn't enough to stop me for cutting myself. My father's hatred and rejecting was more powerful then them. But they did help a little; my attempts became less and less frequent mostly because of my almost constant supervision. I began having fun for the first time in a long time in my life. Sure there was a war going on but I had friends now._

_But like I said there was a war going on. On January 24__th__ C.E. 71, Le Creuset received orders to have us sent to investigate reports of a new Earth Alliance satellite that was under construction in L3. However the information proved to be faulty and no battle took place. When we got back on the ship everyone was itching for a fight with those damn naturals. I didn't really know why to hate them it was just something I was told since I was a little kid, they were beneath us. _

'_Luckily' Everyone's hope of getting into a battle was realised when our ship met up with one of our spies who had infiltrated the Orb colony Heliopolis. The information he had gathered was very interesting. Apparently the Earth Alliance had constructed 5 new stat of the art Mobile Suits and a Legged ship. Us five elites were assigned to retrieve the 5 mobile suits. We were all given the specs of the suit we were to retrieve and then sent on our way as the commander and captain came up with an infiltration plan._

_The next day the plan was delivered to us. Our orders were clear and we were ready. It was our first real battle. It was our first mission that we would have to fight. We thought we were ready. We trained for months for this day, for our first mission. We were top in our class, top in the history of ZAFT. And in many ways we were ready. We toke Heliopolis by surprise. We scared them out of their little hole exposing the mobile suit we desired. It was easy._

_Nicol, Yzak and I quick grabbed our mobile suits and made a run for it as per our orders but Rusty and Athrun…they were taking too long. When Athrun and then later Miguel arrived back on the ship we noticed something, Rusty didn't make it. That also meant that on mobile suit was left. It was the most powerful one too, the strike. We didn't know it then but losing that mobile suit changed the course of out lives it also changed the course of the life of the one who was now piloting the machine and his unfortunate friends._

_Within six hours Heliopolis was destroyed, an unintended event. The Legged ship had lunched, something that we thought we had taken care of after killing most of the crew. The strike was in their possession and being piloted against us and Miguel was now dead too._

_It had been Miguel's then Rusty's turn to watch me that night with them not there I slit my wrists like crazy, I had become friends with them and soon after they die. It was too much for me emotionally to deal with. When Athrun, Yzak and Nicol saw the cuts they didn't say much they knew why I did it and they felt sad too. We failed our first mission and lost to friends in the process._

_The Legged ship or as I guess as it's called the Archangel sought refuge in the EA base Artemis two day after the attack. Pissed of at our loss of our friends we attacked. It was said to be an impenetrable base with it's shield that would deploy when anything would get to close to it, but using one of the new mobile suits the Blitz and it camouflaging technique the pilot Nicol was able to destroy the shield and we were able to yank the Archangel out of hiding. We also got the pleasure of revenge when we destroyed the base._

_In February Athrun was taking to the Supreme Council to make a report on our action thus far in the war and to inform them of the mobile suits we had obtained. The next day February 3__rd__ it was discover that his finance Lacus Clyne was missing among the debris belt. _

_On the 7__th__ with Athrun back on the ship we discovered that the 8__th__ fleet was coming to the Archangels rescue. They were sending out the 8__th__ fleet in two groups. We annihilated their first group, leaving the Archangel vulnerable for our attack. But just as we were about to attack the Archangel Yzak was hurt and then we found out that Lacus Clyne, the chairman's daughter and Athrun's finance, was on that ship and if we attacked she would die. We were forced to pull back._

_But what seemed like an odd twist of fate the strike returned Lacus to us in exchange for us not to attack the Archangel. Yeah right! I thought. But of course we obeyed that request until little Lacus was safe and sound in her daddy's arms._

_On the 11__th__ just before the second part of the 8__th__ fleet rendezvoused with the Archangel we attacked the helpless legged ship. But once again for reasons I don't clearly understand we pulled back only to return two days later. We destroyed the remaining fleet. Unfortunately the Archangel was able to make an escape to earth. Yzak and I we were unlucky enough to be pulled down to Earth also separating our team._

_He and I were able to land in the Gibraltar base but we were in bed for days with high fevers. Apparently descending to Earth in Mobile suits alone wasn't the best idea. On the 26__th__ we join the Waltfeld team two days later he and his wife were killed._

_It seemed like we were on a no stop battle with the legged ship. On March 3__rd__ we reunited with Athrun and Nicol and we formed the Zala team. If you asked me back then he wasn't the best leader. He wasn't going to get the job done that needed to be done. When we reunited with him, I just I became bitter towards him. You could even say I hated him. I had discovered a pattern of when ever he could finish off the strike he chickened out. We were humiliated all because of him._

_March 23__rd__ after many attacks on the legged ship it just disappeared into the shores of Orb. Their princess was aboard. We were told that they we were told that they had left but we knew that that was not true. Three days later were infiltrated Orb to gather information._

_I had never seen somewhere so…beautiful. The sky was not like the skies in the PLANTs they were real. They made me feel all warm inside. I felt so serene. The wind that blew in my face as we drove was pure and real. The wind, girls laughing, birds chirping they were all things I had taken for granted when I lived in the PLANTs. They were all things I missed. Fighting in a war, you lacked these simple pleasures of life._

_As the sunset on this beautiful island we had almost given up hope on our search for the Archangel that is until a small mechanic bird came flying towards us. Athrun returned the bird to the owner then informed us that the Legged ship was still here. Quite the birthday present for my 17__th__ I thought._

_In April Athrun's father became the chairman. It seed like it was going to be triumphant month for ZAFT. But on April 15__th__ we lost the youngest member of our team, Nicol. It was like a punch to the gut. Memories of making fun of him, calling him a coward all came flowing back to me. I was scum. I treated him like my father had treated me. I was a worthless friend._

_That night Yzak and I got into a fight. Our ship's captain was planning to get revenge on the Legged ship for taking Nicol's life so we were left to relax and get some rest. Yzak had become angry because he couldn't protect Nicol, I tried to tell him that it couldn't be helped and he just snapped._

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU CARE!! DIEING IS OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING YOU WANT! SO JUST DO IT!_" I should have known yelling was his way of dealing with things but my mind was clouded. That night I didn't slit my wrist, instead I tried to hang myself. I was found by one of the mechanics and helped before any damage was done. I didn't talk to Yzak for a couple of days._

_On the 17__th__ my life took a sharp turn. I was fighting in the battle, the battle of pure revenge when I was hit hard and had to make a decision die in battle or surrender and live to fight another day. For four years now I had been smoking, drinking, doing drugs and cutting myself all things that could kill me, but in the end when I was really facing death I couldn't allow it to happen. I allowed myself to be captured._

_The next two months were a blur. I…I met a girl. She wasn't the most beautiful girl I had every seen but she was the only girl I couldn't get out of my head. Her eyes were gorgeous, they were blue with a tit of green like the oceans in the Caribbean. Her hair was a auburn color that made me go crazy. The first time I saw her, my heart start pounding out of my chest._

_I was stupid though. She was crying, I said I should be the one. I was scared but I was all though my whole life. When I saw her again I screwed up worst. I said things I regret and she stabbed me. After that I was almost shot but __**she**__ saved me._

_I was put into a prison cell after that. Hours after being attacked the girl returned into my sad little life. She appeared before me. She looked at me stared at me but when I saw she started to run._

"Nowait!_" I yelled, I didn't know why I said it but she did wait. She stood there looking at me as if she was waiting for what I was going to say next. "_Uh…well…so where was your boyfriend when…_" the mistake I had made earlier with her was suggesting that her boyfriend had died. Little did I know it was true, at the point in time I needed to know…was it me?_

"He was in a skygrasper…_" her sweet yet sad voice said "…_at the island when you guys made that last attack on us_"_

"A skygrasper?_" I knew I had been fighting one, I had damaged it pretty badly and it had done the same to me. Was he her boyfriend? Did I actually kill the guy?_

"A fighter plane…a blue and white one_" luckily the one I wasn't fighting that one. It was the one was about to attack when I was shot down._

"It wasn't me_" I laid down thinking about how I was almost the one who caused her tears. She was sad…how many more people were crying just like her because of things I had done? Why was I really fighting for anyways…did I really deserve to live more then the guy she loved. My head was spinning with questions then, that's when I noticed she was still there "_What's the matter_" I said sweetly "_Mind as well get to it if you came to kill me_"_

_She stared at me with those sad ocean eyes of hers for a while longer before leaving. When the doors closed I began missing her already. Days passed, weeks and soon months. But it seemed so much longer. _

_Three times a day my heart would pound out of my chest as my meals came and along with it came a beautiful goddess of a server. I was the auburn haired girl whose name I learn to be Miriallia, her name meant __lovely and wondrous and boy was she ever. Knowing that I would see her three times a day made me forget about the war, forget about the deaths of my friends, and forget the hatred of my father. All I could think about was ways to get her to stay be my side longer each time. She was hostile towards me but I think she needed me as much as I needed her._

_I stopped slitting my wrist while I was there not because I didn't have the means to do it but I had no pain to over shadow. She had wiped it all away. Before I knew what was happening I fell in love. But she was just a natural right? I kept telling myself that this love was a unfounded fantasy._

_She was everything, I was hoping the war would never end, I was hoping I would always be in that cell under her mercy, but just plain under her would have been be heaven. But those hopes ended on the two month anniversary of Nicol's death June 15__th__. __Representative Athha__ rejected the __Atlantic Federation's__ demands for Orb to join them. Therefore they were about to be attacked._

_That day my life went spinning into a completely different world, the world of moral rights. She came to may cell that day like any other day except that day she came with out food but instead she came with my ZAFT flight suit. I didn't know what to think._

"Questioning or transfer?_" I asked her, bit scared and nervous_

"The ship is going in battle again because the Earth Forces are attacking Orb._" _

"huh?_" They were going to be attacked by their own people, naturals vs. naturals it seemed so wrong_

"Apparently you're free to go now._" She sounded so sad…but I couldn't help but feel sad too. I…loved her and now she was telling me to leave. "_You're being released_"_

_I ran after her when she left questioned her why, if she was going to stay and how something like this could happen. She answered my question apologized for what happened and then showed me the exit. I looked at her and yearned to stay be instead I left._

_Being near the shore of Orb I watched as the EA rolled in closer. Soon they were fighting and I got caught up in it all. Blasts were going everywhere and there I was in the middle of it all with no mobile suit. Looking out to the sea I saw the Legged ship in danger and I couldn't help but think of the ocean eyed girl whom would die if that ship was shot down._

_I shock my head trying to get the idea out of my mind. But I couldn't. With all the chaos that was going on I was able to sneak into Morganrate and steal my Buster back from them. I saved the Archangel right in the nick of time._

_I returned to the ship. I returned to her but she rejected me. She was the first girl who ever made me happy, the only person who made me able to forget my past… and she rejected me. Not that I asked her to be mine or anything she just didn't even want me near her._

_That didn't matter though after the attack on Alaska, Panama and now Orb I couldn't go back to ZAFT and follow their orders. Instead I went to space with the Archangel and became one of the few pilots of the three ships alliance._

_For three months I endured everything that was thrown at that ship. I met up with Yzak in the abandoned Mendal colony and he called me a traitor who was being deceived, all I could say was that he should rethink who was the real one being deceived._

_The EA began using Nuclear weapons against the PLANTs again but with the help of Kira Yamato, the guy who had ended up with the strike whom now piloted the freedom, and Athrun who was now piloting a new machine also called the Justice, we were able to keep the PLANTs safe._

_The sad thing was they weren't the only ones using powerful weapons of mass destruction. The chairman Patrick Zala had deployed a weapon called GENIUS. We weren't so lucky at stopping this weapon it destroyed the EA base on the moon. Thankfully I took a while before it was able to fire again; the mirror had to be changed first._

_I fought hard and even fought my own commander. I'll never forget what he said to me in the mist of battle. We were fighting for our lives and he came over the communicator so only I could here. But I know that Miriallia could here to. She was the CIC and she wanted to make sure I would be safe so she was telling me every time an enemy came close. She gasped so many times._

"Why are you still fighting Dearka!!_" Rau yelled, Mir let out a noise that let me know she was scared._

"I need to protect the ones I care about!_"_

"The ones you care about? Who would care about you? You are a worthless human being who does deserve to live. You should be dead. It's what everyone wants. Even Yzak think that you should have died instead of Nicol. You father celebrated when you were MIA! No body cares about you; no one wants you to survive this battle so just die already you worthless maggot!_"_

_Unfortunately I wasn't able to bet him and instead was almost killed. Kira saved my life, he diverted Rau away. I was then saved by Yzak when three of the EA's new mobile suits tried to take me out. With my machine highly damaged I went to the Archangel to rest. My head was bleeding but after getting in bandaged up I headed to the bridge to be by Mir's side. _

_All and all the battle was difficult, somehow it all ended. The Blood Valentine War ended September 27__th__. Many died in those months and months of war, but I lived. __Jachin Due__ was destroyed taking the Chairman with it._

_I gave that girl one last look as the captain finished her speech to those on the battle field. So here I am lying on the floor of the room I shared with the commander whom died in battle. Blood is all around me. You could ask why I was here, why would I do this when the war was over and I survived but maybe it's time for my story to be over. I killed many and never regretted till I met __**her.**_

_Now I lye on the floor dying…but it's what everyone wanted right?..._

_0-0-0-0-0_

No body even noticed that Dearka had left. When Murrue's speech of peace and information of the current situation was over the Strike Rouge came into view.

"Miriallia, Sai could the two of you go greet them. I'm going to go collect the commander's things." The captain said in a sad voice.

"Captain, wouldn't you rather to go with Miriallia? I'll collect the things instead"

"Thank you…but this is something I have to do myself"

Nodding the two former Heliopolis students headed to the hanger to greet the Strike Rouge. As soon a Miriallia saw the Freedom's pilot she couldn't help herself she ran as fast as she could and jumped at him wrapping her legs around him as he held her up.

"I'm so glad you're okay"

Kira laughed at her reaction when seeing him "ha ha clam down Mir, I'm ok"

Mir got off him and laughed too even though tears were falling down her face. She looked around and noticed there was only one mobile suit and three pilots "You all came on one?"

"Hey you know boys they break everything they touch" Cagalli said making both girls laugh.

"Hey" "Hey" Said Kira and Sai before laughing too.

The only one not laughing was Athrun who seemed to be staring at a pile of scrape metal. "Hey Athrun are you okay?" Cagalli asked her voice showing her concern.

"Where's Dearka?" he whispered. He was breathing erratically.

"He's okay I think, he was on the bridge. He has a few cuts on his forehead but other then that he's fine" explained Sai

"Then why isn't he here?"

They didn't have an answer for that. Athrun looked on the verge on tears. "Athrun?" Cagalli said still concerned.

"I have to find him" he said dropping his helmet. They all followed him; they didn't understand why Athrun was so worried. But soon they understood.

When the reached the hall with the living quarters they saw the captain with her hand over her mouth shaking her head. Athrun ran up right away only to see the doctor and ship's pilot putting Dearka unconscious bloody body on a stretcher.

"Oh my god" whispered Cagalli she couldn't believe her eyes, there was so much blood.

"Why would he?" asked Kira

Tears were falling down Athrun's face "You were worth more then you thought you Dearka…so so much more." He cried before falling to his knees.

"Athrun" Cagalli said sadly as she went down to hold him.

As Dearka was rushed by Mir felt her heart drop, she knew why he did it, it was because of what his former commander said. He thought he was worthless.

"I just opened the door and…he was just laying there. There was a knife beside him…I checked to see if he was breathing and he was…barely." Murrue told them.

Days later Dearka slowly regained consciousness. He opened his eyes but everything was black. He heard footsteps leaving the room and he thought he was left all alone. Soon his eyes began to clear up first it was a blur the shapes then he saw beautiful ocean eyes. He tried to speak but nothing came out so he opted for mouthing 'Hi'.

"I hate you" Miriallia cried, he felt sick hearing her day that "So many people died in this war…you lived and then you did this? I hate you so much for letting people break you down. You're an amazing guy" that statement made him open his eyes wide as saucers. "You're…you came back and you saved us…don't you ever listen to idiotic crazy people! This is your life…don't you dare let anyone else tell you how to live it or when to end it."

"Thank you"

Dearka decided not to return to the PLANTs after the war instead he went to Orb to start a new life. He felt like his father wouldn't miss him and if he did I would teach him to treat people better. Orb, it was a place that made him feel at peace and with Miriallia at his side he knew that everything was going to be a lot better in the years to come.

_**The End…**_


End file.
